Just like that

I was reading my past entries and realized how naive and foolish I had been in the past- living in my own fantasies , creating a picture of the rosy realities. To anyone looking at my life- it will seem perfect - a very loving husband who exactly matches the criteria I had set for my prospective groom- he is even better than I had ever thought and a cute innocent kid that fills my heart with joy whenever I look at her - a fat paying corporate job - grandparents to take care of the kid when I go to office - Everything is perfect. I should be happy. But still everyday is a bloody battle in my mind where I try to think of ways to keep my spirits happy and create a lively atmosphere for everyone at home. It takes a lot of effort to ignore the noise - ignore office politics , ignore mil rant about how incompetent I am at managing home and in general how incompetent I am - ignoring the slowness in work - ignoring the bore that I feel for the routine boring things I have to do to everyday from keeping things going haywire. It seriously takes a lot of effort to be happy. There is a passive state in which I want to sulk myself into where I just don't want to do any work and not make any effort - just see things from a higher dimension or be in a coma state where I get effected by nothing and nothing effects me. But I can't really afford that - not with a kid and a family to take care of. So, I know of my options now and since there is only option - I better gear myself for it. Be happy and look for ways to be happy. Fight that bloody battle everyday and accept that you have to put effort. There is no running away. Go, just listen to some good music now.